...and then the Pandora's box of CRAZY opened.

Okay. So. As I write this, I am just finishing my first week of school. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were a joke because I didn't do anything. I sat around reading the student's textbooks (in the teacher's lounge) and got sent home early most days. I promise I'm not complaining. The kids here have a week of "sensibilization"...if that's even an English word...where they get used to coming to school, behaving (or not), etc. So for that week I was not needed.

But then school started Monday.

I teach 1st-6th grade. The 1st & 2nd graders are kind of unbearable, because they don't speak hardly any English. Just "Hello, how are you? I am fine thank you and you? I am 8 years old. My favourite colour is blue. My favourite animal is dog. My favourite sport is football (or for some, swing. Their favourite sport is swing. Right.) My favourite subject is maths." P.S. they are taught that we call Math, Maths. I giggle.

That is the extent of their english vocabulary. I was told very strictly to NEVER speak to them in Spanish. If they ask, I don't speak Spanish. Any. So from the start I've been establishing a relationship based on a pretty profound lie (seeing as my entire undergraduate career was centered around my Spanish education). Haha...well we are in Spain. Their rules. (I will be devoting an entire post later as to how many Spain-isms I have endured and how insane things can be here...get excited!)

Okay so school...where to even BEGIN. So the 1st and 2nd graders don't know anything I say. They always speak to me in Spanish and I have to just stare at them and say "sorry, in English?" and they swear under their breath and walk away making fun of me because I "don't speak Spanish". Which makes the entire experience really exasperating for me because whenever they talk about me in front of my face, I know what they're saying but can't do anything. Thanks, Spain.

My English coordinator is Rocio, and she's the coolest person EVER. I love her long time. She teaches English to the 5th & 6th graders, and because she knows the most English out of most of the teachers, she's in charge of me. Also, none of the teachers know English very well. It's truly the blind leading the blind. The teachers try to talk to me in English and tell me they don't understand my "accent". Most of them, that do speak English, have a British accent.

For example: In class one day, one of the teachers wrote THURSDAY on the board and asked the class "ok, class, what letter in Thursday is silent?"

I sat there and was like..............................um?? Trick question?? Maybe the H?

False. The "correct" answer is R. Thuhs-day. AKA how they would say Thursday in England, I suppose. Maybe.

One of my teachers is Eva. The first time I met her was rocky-ish but we're still working around getting comfortable with my role & each other. My first real class EVER, she goes "okay just review vocabulary with them"....what vocabulary?? So I did the whole "favourite" thing (I have to write like the British) with EVERY student and still had 15 minutes left. So I looked at her with panic like....what do you want me to do now?? And she got out a book and goes "here have them tell you about this picture".

Uh, ok. So I have them look at the picture and said "tell me about this picture. Tell me anything". Blank stares. Completely blank stares.

So I ask them "how many books? How many pencils? How many, what color, etc.?" Basically, I'm the teacher in those classes, instead of the "Language assistant", like I'm intended to be. I really want to make a button that says "I'm not a certified teacher" and wear it around, but I really doubt they'd care anyways.

Another teacher I work with is Isa. She's super nice. She teaches the younger kids too and kind of threw me to the sharks as well. In each class there is a know it all, or a wanna-be know it all, who always talks to much and wants to show off his English. In one of our classes, this boy Jeremy kept going "hi! Chelsea!! Hello! Eh, Chelsea, what is your favourite colour? Chelsea, what is your favourite animal? Ay Chelsea how old are you? Chelsea, Chelsea!! You are beautiful" although it always comes out of Spanish mouths as "jew are so booteeful". Always.

............awkward, considering that he is 6. I might have laughed in his face, said "thanks", and turned to the teacher and said "my, isn't he a flirt..." and gave her the most panicked face I own. He looked so accomplished though, and who am I do burst his bilingual dreams.

The older kids try to push their vocabulary, though, which always makes me laugh. Like when you ask "what music do you like?" You always get pop, rap, or Miley...but this one kid was so proud when he said jovially "heavy metal". Name one artist, kid. Dare ya. But I appreciated it either way.

Another teacher I work with twice a week is Maria Jose. She's a nun. I showed my schedule to the other teachers and they all said the same thing..."OH this class is with Maria Jose........she's a nun" immediately followed by a face that kind of looked like :/ <
They were SO right.

So Maria Jose. She reminds me of somebody's grandma, just any grandma, with the personality and authoritarian style of a seasoned military general. Her English has a Spanish accent, mixed with German and British. So I'd say she has Spagertish English. To start the class, she introduced me (even though most of the kids already knew my name). One of the kids said I was like Illiana, a girl who was an English assistant last year (which is true, exact same position). Her response: NO!! Illiana left!! She is gone and Chelsea is here now so shut up about Illiana.

Some of the kids were saying "aw, but we liked Illiana, she was so nice".

To which Coronel Nun responded: MY BABIES!!!! I told you. Illiana does not love you. She was offered a position at the school and she did not want to be here with you so she moved to Andalucia to be with her family and not with you. She had every opportunity and by the time she decided she wanted to stay, it was too late. It is not the school's fault. So now she is down there and you have Chelsea now. So shut up about Illiana.

Note: She says "my babies". A lot. Except she screams it and has a decently deeper voice so it comes off very creepy and reminds me a little of Urusula from the Little Mermaid (SING!!) The thing is, in Spanish, most people use pet names a lot like "carino" or "amor"...like dear and love, except couples use it too and it would be like saying "baby". Except she has completely misconstrued the translation and makes the classroom super awkward this way for me...but luckily only I understand how absurd things are.

She actually has created numerous awkward situations in class. And I was only with her for one hour.

She asked the kids what they did over the summer. One kid said "I went to Valencia". She said "what deed jew do in Valencia??" and he said "fui a la playa"...her response: MY BABY!!! I will kill you!! In EENGLEESH!! How you say playa in eeengleesh?" The kid was lost but managed to hear one of his classmates say "beach". So he was like "uhh....b..." And that's when it happened.

Nun: What ees eet??? Playa. Bitch!! Bitch!! Playa is bitch. Bitch!! You went to the bitch, yes?? You went and weent sweeming at the bitch, no??

....I immediately, being the language assistant, jumped in and said "oooh, bEEEEEEEach. EEEEEEEE. Beeeeeeeeeeeeach. Yes."

Nun: BITCH. Yes, bitch, that's what I said. Bitch. Playa. Bitch.

........didn't ever correct it. Just kept yelling 'bitch'. Very clearly.

Once more it's super awkward because only I know that she's yelling obscenities at the kids. Then again, she tells them to shut up every 5 minutes and always says "I weel keel jew eef jew don't shut up!" (I will kill you if you don't shut up!)

But then also screams "MY BABIES!!!! JEW KNOW I LUF YOU BUT JEW ARE KEELING ME!"

Lord. Then after class, because she does not know English very well, she started speaking to me in Spanish. Which is fine but none of the kids are supposed to know I know Spanish and there she is talking to me right in front of them. One of the kids comes up and goes "but Teacher, she doesn't speak Spanish". Her response: "Don't be dumb. Of course she knows Spanish, it's just a secret. Go get back in line. NOW." Then another kid came up and I didn't hear what he told her but her response was "I know, I know, but they still love you now go get back in line!" I looked at her confused and she asked if I heard what he had said. I said no and she was like "oh, he came up and told me his parents are separated. He does it every day, what am I supposed to say? It happens! They still love you but you still have to stand in line like everyone else."

Keep in mind, these were just my first 2 days. And just the cherry on top of everything. Needless to say, I have my hands COMPLETELY full, and it's not even completely due to the students...