These past weeks I've felt like I've been in a bit of a rut...however, even in the ruttiest of ruts, I find Spain will never let me down when it comes to surprises. They're waiting around every corner and when you least expect it, they jump out at you. Hard. That's why they're called surprises, after all.
Imagine my surprise when the Nun wore a pleather knee length skirt with her usual sweater vest and collared shirt last Friday. When I say pleather, I'd like to you to invision a nice leather couch in a legal office or a modern living room...then take that material, wrap it around Ms. Hardass, and my eyes half out of my head with my hand placed over my mouth. I mean, I have tact, don't get me wrong, but my hand was firmly located as such because the students aren't slow on the uptake, either. And they don't have the tact I do.
Student #1: Teacher!! Teacher! I like jour skeert. Ees beautiful!
Colonel Nun: SUT UP BABY, ees no of jour beesiness.
Student #2: ooooooooooh how pretty!! I love it!
CN: Ees a skeert!! LEAVE IT ALONE. Have you never seen a skirt before? Mind your own business.
Student #1: but teacher, ees new? Eet look new. I haven't seen it before. It's very sexy.
CN: What do you mean sexy!? SUT UP you have no idea what you're talking about!!
Student #1: no, it's just that you look like a warrior....o someteeng. LIKE JOAN OF ARC!
This verbal fight went on for about ten minutes and it was awesome. I tried to act unamused and overly interested in a loose string on my shirt. I was probably smirking really badly. You just can't whip that out so randomly...
Anyways, as I write this it is Valentine's Day. The meaning of which has completely changed for me, though, since I've been here. To me, Valentine's Day means being bombarded on my lunch break by 6th grade boys and looking like a creepass, insulting unsuspecting innocent boys, being subjected to confusing racism, stopping children from eating candy in 30 seconds, trying to explain weird slang to first graders, being lured into a false sense of security, and heart-shaped pizza while watching people struggle not to die on a freaky island. I will explain those now.
I think I'll start with school related incidences first. Tim & Jeri sent me 7 bags of Sweetheart candies, the ones we all know and love with the little phrases on them, to share with my students. Unfortunately and fortunately, at the same time, the company has decided to revamp their candy. That means that not only have they enhanced the flavor (they now actually have flavors for each color instead of tasting mostly like chalk), they have also added unique and random phrases. I didn't know this, so it was hard to figure out how to explain what the hearts said in some situations. First, I learned not to give children candy with a purpose without prefacing the intentions. I handed all of the kids a heart, and before I could even make a sound they had popped it in their mouth and it had made its way half way down their esophagus. So I had to dole out a few more and say "okay LOOK! FIRST BEFORE YOU SWALLOW. READ THEM! They say things!" Once they realized that they thought it was the coolest thing in the world, even though only one out of every 10 kids actually understood what theirs said. Because now the little hearts say "Tweet me" and "My boo". WHAT? Sometimes I swear the world is against me. Whatever happened to a simple little "I <3 you" or "Girlfriend". I can explain that. I'm morally opposed to Twitter, plus the fact that Spaniards pronounce it "Tweet-tare"...that was a nightmare. So I'd much rather they just eat them. They love candy. So so much. And it makes them quiet so I do too. So so much.
As I type this on my lunch break, I'm sitting at the cute coffee shop eating chips & guacamole. Chances are my school is serving fish for lunch (yay...) so I thought I'd treat myself to a little snack. I'm usually safe here but for some reason, all of my 6th grade male students have bombarded the window I'm sitting by and start pounding on the window when they see me. Not only does that scare the piss out of me, every time, but everyone else here is judging me and giving me those Spanish disapproval looks. The same ones I get when I wear flip-flops, or when I don't wear a jacket in weather over 50. Whatever. Old bitties. Also, Valentine's to me has come to mean the one day my older students decide to learn the word "boyfriend". As in "Chelsea...uh.........do you have a boyfriend??" All the girls ask innocently, hoping I do (because if you don't you're a lost cause in this country) and the boys ask for various motives...sometimes they're being little perves, and sometimes I think they have a crush on me. Those are the fun ones, haha, because they get so excited when I say no. And the girls just look at me like I told them I killed their dog. Needless to say, I'm so glad I only had to cross that bridge once today (only one class of older kids). My other kids are making little heart-shaped Valentines. Nobody made them for me though, little rats...guess I exhausted my fame when they made me their Christmas cards, haha.
Anyways, speaking of boyfriend-ish things, I still don't have one, or really want one, but I've been dating a guy for awhile now. He's very nice and got me a couple of things for Christmas/my birthday so I thought (since I suck really badly at buying presents for boys) I would get him a little Valentine's Day present. P.S. He's from Peru. A country that does not celebrate Valentine's Day. And I figured that but I'm always happy to get prezzies, plus it's chocolate...so...I didn't think it'd be a bad idea. I gave him the box, he spent 5 minutes trying to untie the bow I put on it (made of sparkly yarn....ugh) and was really confused when he opened it. At first a wave of embarrassment went over his face, and then that look I'm now so used to, the no-boyfriend disappointment face my girls give me, the look like "you just killed my dog". So I tried to explain it's Valentine's Day and people usually get whoever little flowers or whatever, so I just got him a simple box of chocolates. [Forrest Gump loved that gift. Just for the record..] He started speaking in English, so I knew I was in big trouble (because he doesn't actually speak English), and all he could manage was "jew are berry bad." Why. How. What?! What'd I do. Seriously. I told him I thought it was more appropriate than roses or a teddy bear (which was an option on the table), would he have preferred that? Luckily he's used to me being snarky but in hindsight it probably wasn't the best time to say that. He got really upset and told me he felt awful because he didn't know it was Vday, and they don't celebrate it in his country, and he should have been the one getting me something. I told him he got me prezzies for my b-day so we were even but he didn't really like that answer either. So I ended up somehow insulting him, hurting his feelings, and he didn't really get over it until my roommates stormed in, slightly tipsy, trying to borrow my shoes and take pictures. Why is Valentine's Day so damned stressful...
Anyways, back at school, I hauled my Valentine's supplies to the teacher's lounge and they were all kinda like, "Oooooh right today is Valentine's Day. We don't celebrate that here." And I tried to level with them and said "I know, I don't really celebrate it, mostly because the guy I'm kind of seeing is from Peru and apparently they don't do that there either..." I'm not sure what response I expected, but the response I got knocked me off my feet. One of the teachers I work with, Maria, looks at me like I just spoke in Chinese and says, "you're dating a guy from Peru? How does that work? I mean, that's funny because you're so white and have blonde hair, and if he's from Peru then he's got tan skin and black hair. How did that work out? It'd look so funny!" Ummmmmm......haha, what the hell?? I think the best part is that she was genuinely sincere, like she was concerned for me for some reason. There's honestly no good response for that, either, so I just laughed confused and grabbed some coffee really quickly. Next time I meet a guy I'll make sure I'm not pastier than him. Hello, Ireland, I'm comin' for yo gingers.
Needless to say, I feel beaten up by today, haha, and I wish I could be home to spend it with my sorority sisters watching movies in the Informal, cuddling on the couch and eating Mexican food. Instead I'm forcing my friend to come over and watch Lost. He got this flier in the mail for some "romantic special" from the pizza place where they'll bake your pizza into a heart for free, so I think we're doing that for a laugh and gonna hopefully find out more about that damned hatch (I'm only on Season 2, haha...don't tell me anything!! I already peak ahead online too much). So, from the bottom of my teeny tiny broken and battered heart, Happy Valentine's Day. <3 haha.
P.S. recap: leather skirst are never okay.
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