Valentine's Day and Too Much Information

Hi, world! Sorry it's been so long...I failed at my "more blogging" New Year's resolution last year and I'm not doing fantastic with it this year...but hopefully that will change! Starting..........


......now!

I've been really busy ever since I got back from Christmas vacation and haven't had a chance to relax. School has been exhausting (at least once a week I have given up to stare at the ceiling and mutter "I am transcending the situation"...the kids giggle and say "Chelsea, you're so funny!" And I smile and tell them they make me want to drink and they look at each other and say, "...what'd she say?? I dunno..." And we move on. I've found great peace though this technique.) 

I'm only able to write this currently because I'm skipping my private class and having a personal day. Ever since I've gotten back I've had numerous medical kerfuffles and my weeks are packed with appointment after doctor's appointment for something or another. This, by the way, is where the "too much information" part of the title kicks in. If you wish to skip to Valentine's Day, see below. 
My medical problems are not severe but simply severely annoying. I pulled a muscle in my neck back in October and I've had back/neck pain ever since. I finally got called to go to physical therapy after Christmas and I've been going every day. I was initially sent for 10 sessions but they upped it to 20 and as of today they sent me 10 more. Every day I get a massage or the therapist puts me in a headlock and pulls my head as far as he can without snapping it off my shoulders (although I swear he's often tiptoed the line). The only downside of PT is that I have to leave school 15 minutes early every day to arrive on time. That being said I'm getting 30 hours of therapy and massages every other day for free. No complaints! Most of the PT patients are old as sin as well so I often like to pretend, mentally, that I'm in a live episode of the Golden Girls. They complain about cell phones and credit cards and how cold the gel is from the machines and I smile and nod because they assume the foreigner doesn't understand diddly. It's nice. 

My other medical issue is less glamorous. But by now I have absolutely no shame so I don't mind sharing my details if you all are so inclined to know. Ever since Christmas I have had what appears to be a yeast infection that doesn't want to respond to medicine. As if that weren't bad enough, the waiting list for a gynecologist in Spain is over a month long. Apparently private gynecologists are like the high-end Hollywood day spas of Spain or something. I hate speaking on the phone in Spanish but I've quickly gotten over that fear after calling literally twenty or more gynos trying to get an appointment. I got lucky and found a woman who had one time open the day I got back from America. I went and things were decently normal until she told me to take off my clothes and sit on the table. In my experience in America the doctor usually leaves the room to give you time to slip out of your clothes and then you hop on the bed and put a gown over/on you. I am not in America. Not only did I have to free-ball it and drop trow in front of her but there was also no sheet for me to cover with so I was told to just lay down spread eagle and wait for her to come in. What a lovely welcome for her, right?? But she was a her and that made me comfortable. She sent me with some meds and on my way. When the meds didn't work I had to call again and she, along with every other female doctor in Spain was booked through March. I had to cave and call a male doctor. He was nice and really old which oddly made me feel more at ease and he had a nice assistant who helped me feel more comfortable. She at least gave me a sheet to cover up with while waiting. Another odd occurrence in Spain is that your own doctors don't do very many tests themselves. They usually give you a slip and send you to the hospital to do it. Then you bring the results back to the doctors and they translate the legal jargon for you. He sent me for a test since the medicine wasn't working and told me to come back with the results. I couldn't do the test for a week for whatever scheduling reasons so in he mean time I went to a free clinic to see if I could get any answers any faster. Of course the day I went was the day that the med students were shadowing so not only did I have to expose myself to yet another strange doctor, but THREE at the same time, one a little teeny bopper student who was younger than I am and ogling my lady bits. She, in the end, was quite nice but I still didn't enjoy the experience. After that they sent me for a urine sample AT&T he hospital and that was a whole other clusterf*^%. I arrive at the office and give them my slip. The woman asks me if I brought the urine and I look down and say, confusedly, "yes...it's inside of me?" She looks horrified and then explains that I have to bring it to them because the first "pee pee" of the morning is the most concentrated. Then it was my turn to look horrified and start wondering how the hell I was supposed to collect and transport it. I had decided between a ziplock back and and old jelly jar when I finally decided to get over it and ask. "So um, by the way, how am I supposed to, you know...bring the urine?" (LEGITIMATE QUESTION RIGHT?? I mean if they're not gonna do it there...) Is wear she looked at me like she was on Candid Camera and then finally answered, "oh, you have to get a sterile container from the Pharmacy. They'll know exactly what it is." I almost died of embarrassment on the way home, picturing myself arriving at the hospital with an old Smuckers jar full of my pee and the nurse judging the shit out of me for being such a moron. I swear sometimes the Spanish health system is designed to mortify people. For the record I've been told by now I'm in the clear, just FYI, but it hasn't been a pleasant month. 

VALENTINE'S DAY: Valentine's Day actually ended up being really nice but had its own hiccups along the way as well. I feel like this post has gotten long enough, though, so I'll detail that at a later date. Until then!

Crying In Public For An Extended Period Of Time & Lots Of Pictures And Parties

Hello, again! I know it's been a while since I've written but in my defense I wrote a very lengthy blog using the Blogger app on my phone [that might have been a passive aggressive rant about paperwork regarding my resident card] but my phone deleted it and I didn't have the energy to rehash it all. The gist of that story is that the asshats that work at the foreigner's office actually had the audacity to tell me that I'm too white, so much so that they wouldn't use my picture on my new ID card. They even pulled up Photoshop right there and tried to make me darker.

Anyways I haven't written since then because I've been busy sleeping or living life to the fullest. Unfortunately one limits the other and vice versa. If I sleep as much as I'd like, I don't have time to have fun. And the more fun I have the less I sleep. This whole cycle came to a head a couple of weeks ago...it was my second week teaching preschool (and it was going pretty well in my opinion...I was tolerating and it hadn't driven me to drink yet) when my English coordinator came to me and told me that one of the preschool teachers had complained to the principal that I was using too many worksheets. To clarify, I had drawn a color-by-number ACTIVITY (not worksheet) for Halloween that the kids could color and take home to their parents...that lasted a grand total of ten minutes. It was actually a wonderful activity because after 50 minutes of singing songs and playing games the rugrats actually calmed down so they could focus on my instructions. I thought it was a.) awfully shitty that this teacher went behind my back so high as the principal to criticize me and b.) the English coordinator was the one who suggested the activity to me [which I wasn't even mad about, I just thought it was extremely ironic]. This week I was PMSing, for one, and I had also been getting less sleep. Her comment rubbed me the wrong way and pissed me off so much that I spent my recess crying and swearing in the bathroom. I felt childish but I got it out of my system and figured I only had to deal with this crap for another 8 months. I walked to the teacher's room, feeling annoyed but better, and all of a sudden everyone kept asking me, "Chelsea, what's wrong? Have you been crying? What happened?" I broke down. I was so pissed and also moved that everyone cared that it was like a break in the Hoover Dam and I started ugly crying. Like really ugly crying. And (except for airports) I NEVER cry in front of people. I believe firmly that crying, like drugs, sex, and religion, should be practiced in the privacy of your own bedroom...not forced on others. Every person that came up to me and tried to hug me or give me a kiss of support made me sob even harder (I was sobbing. It was embarrassing.) I ended up missing an hour of class to calm down and couldn't even express myself to explain that I was just exhausted and pissed off. I skipped my private classes that afternoon and slept off my bad mood. The good news is that, luckily, my little incident has only helped me. For three years I've only ever been jolly or positively sarcastic at school so the fact that I was so upset was a red flag to them. The English coordinator even wanted to march me down to preschool, while crying, to show them the "kind of psychological damage their laziness is wearing on me." Which cracks me up. But word got around to the preschool teachers and most of them (except the crazy one who complained in the first place) have asked me how I am and told me not to worry about anything...that I'm doing a great job and she can go suck a lemon. The other teachers have supported me 110% (pointing out that there's no way the preschool teachers could teach an entire class for an hour without using any worksheets or books) or have tried their best to help me find material to use to make my lesson planning less stressful. I think this is the best thing that could have happened so far because things have gone so much smoother since then and it's reaffirmed my faith in my coworkers, to know that they're there for me and really care about me. *warm fuzzy feeling*

Anyways since then I've also tried to have as much fun as possible and that's been going awesome as well. First of all Paco and Beto had a joint (belated) birthday party using all the Toy Story party decorations I brought back from America....balloons, candles, napkins, etc. I made Paco a Toy Story cake and he found a bear bar in the gayborhood that let him have his party there. (A bear is a larger, hairy gay man...but usually very flamboyant teddy bears. Hilarious people) Here are some pictures of the cake & the party:

Toy Story cake! "Hasta el infinito y mas alla"...To Infinity & Beyond, in Spanish

The birthday boy and his Toy Story cupcake/candle

Paco & I

The funniest picture I've taken in a long time...Ana Maria & I posing in front of the bear painting

The next weekend my girl friends and I went to Alcala for the medieval market. I've gone every year since I've been back in Spain and it's wonderful every time. This last visit, my last trip for a while, was amazing. I made an Italian friend at the train station (although we lost her not thirty minutes into the market), vented about my situation at school on the train, the weather was so beautiful, we got a drink and shared some candied nuts, got scared by a terrifying man dressed up as a gremlin carrying a trunk, I got interviewed for a Spanish news program (randomly), we ate amazing food and crepes, and I bought a beautiful new turquoise ring. The day was splendid. I miss Alcala and have so many wonderful memories from studying abroad there...but it was also poetic to return with new lifelong friends that have become my family in Madrid. Here are some pictures:

Anna, Kristen, and I stopping for a drink

Alcala, decorated for the medieval market (and a dragon passing the crowd)

Me, getting interviewed for the news...this was my face for most of the interview (because most of their questions involved Spanish history...hah!)

That catches us up to this weekend. Paco has been gone this last week on vacation and he & Beto brought me back a Nightmare Before Christmas mug as a souvenir. It's so gorgeous and thoughtful because they knew how much I'd love it, being so into the Halloween spirit. Not only is it gorgeous but it's HUGE. I can fit three cups of tea in it. We finished decorating our entire apartment for Halloween and I really wanted to carve pumpkins and have people over to enjoy it with me, so today I invited my nine closest friends over for Halloween brunch. I found an incredible recipe for cinnamon roll pancakes on Pinterest so I made those and bacon and the girls brought apple cake, churros & hot chocolate, fruit salad, pumpkin cookies, and cheese dip shaped like a pumpkin. It was such a lovely day. I also had a blast playing Susie Homemaker and acting like an adult. I spent all night last night cleaning our apartment from top to bottom (including washing all of the silverware to make sure it was clean enough for company) and even cleaned my room so my guests could leave their jackets and purses on my bed. We drank mimosas, ate lots of food, carved pumpkins (and taught two Spanish friends how to do so), drank pumpkin spice lattes and had a wonderful time. It was the perfect Sunday. Luckily November 1st is All Soul's Day, so we always have a three-day weekend for Halloween. Thursday we're going out dressed up and then get three days to recover. I'm going to be a witch! Here are some pictures from our Halloween fun:

My brand new gorgeous Jack mug!

So much delicious food! (well, the leftovers :)

Five beautiful pumpkins & cute pumpkin cookies!

Nightmare Before Christmas inspired nails & pumpkin!

The aftermath...great parties require even greater cleaning!

Well, I think we're finally caught up! I will update as soon as something interesting happens or November comes....whichever comes first :) Happy Halloween!

And Then I Realized I Am Kanye West

Hello again! I'm pleased to report that I survived the first week of school...and less pleased to accept the fact that tomorrow is Monday again and I get to do it allll over again.

To be honest it wasn't as bad as I had expected...I think once I get in the rhythm I will be able to take control of the three classes I don't enjoy (read: hate...which is preschool, first grade, and fifth grade.) The problem with this first week is that my school already had my schedule ready the first day and I have all of my "problem" classes on Mondays and Tuesdays (which was difficult for the first week of school because I was hoping for an easy transition week and got thrown into the gauntlet with the lions.) The good news is that once I get past that hump the rest of my classes went really well. Like shockingly well. Nothing super excited happened at school, except that my least favorite first grader (the one who yells compliments at me..."CHELSEA!!!!! YOU ARE REALLY PRETTY TODAY!!!! Somehow shouting in my face makes the compliments seem more...aggressive) asked me if I was from Africa. And I gave him the stink face by accident. For a long time.

Since nothing exciting happened at school I'll write about my adventures at home. Since we have half days for the month of September I've been able to be a lot more social during the week (and am hoping to maintain energy to continue doing so...because it is fun and I can forget the stress that school causes me.) This weekend I haven't done anything exciting because I had too much to do around the house. Yesterday I cleaned my room from top to bottom (and finally finished unpacking) and tried to clean all of my dishes in the kitchen from the night before when I had a friend over. We walked four miles at a lovely park near my house (see below) and afterwards came to my house to share fruit, pizza, chocolate, and a bottle of Lambrusca (an Italian rose wine)...basically it was a really productive evening. We were out of dishwasher detergent so I decided to just fill up the compartment with normal dish soap. In theory it seemed like a sound idea but I wasn't at all surprised when it backfired. I came back to the kitchen after hanging up some laundry and found there was a flood of 6-inch deep soap suds that had overtaken half the kitchen floor. It immediately reminded me of the first time I tried to make air-popped popcorn on the stove. I didn't know they actually popped 15 feet into the air so when they got hot enough they started flying all over the kitchen. Meanwhile I was screaming bloody murder and one of the neighbors stuck her head out of her window to make sure I was okay. I also hadn't used any oil so most of the popcorn that didn't try to air bomb me burnt to a crisp on the bottom of the pot. Frustrated, I poured the burnt kernels into a plastic bag that was hanging on the kitchen door. As I was cleaning up all of the kamikaze popcorn from the floor a bajillion burnt kernels exploded out of nowhere...and that's when I realized they were so hot that they burnt the shit out of the plastic bag and melted it. It was a one woman show of dumb and dumber. Luckily it was a lot easier to clean up the sudsy kitchen floor.

After I cleaned up the dishwasher mess I had a headache so I went to take a nap..except I had just washed all of my sheets and they were air drying (because Spain doesn't have dryers) so I ended up cuddling on my bed with a towel. Sometimes I think I'm really resourceful but the truth is that I should never be allowed to be a housewife. Ever. 

Anyways the park. I've become addicted to walking. There's a huge park only a few blocks from my house and one lap on the track surrounding the park is three-quarters of a mile. I have been going with friends and it's perfect because we can walk and talk and I don't really notice I'm exercising. It reminds me of home, too, because of all of the activities it has. Half of the park is a driving range, there are a few soccer fields, lots of benches and trees, and apparently a paddle ball area too somewhere. Rebecca took me there last week for the first time and I was really impressed...it's so nice! It even has fountains. Anyways our outing was a big deal for me because I hate wearing work out clothes in public. I also hate working out in public. I have made an effort to hide my arms from the sunlight since I was 15 and I have cankles which are only made more obvious with tennis shoes. Basically I'm perfectly content playing sports at a park or doing my zumba at home but I'm not the working out in public, go for a run type. I've always made it very clear that I won't be running anywhere unless there is somebody with a very sharp knife running after me. Or if I have a bus to catch. But working out has become more important to me than my weird self-conscious issues so I took my cankles and my fat arms and set them free in Madrid. First of all I was very worried that I would be dressed weird for the park because I don't have "official" work out clothes. I have yoga pants and tank tops and a sports bra...but they don't match and my shoes aren't even real running shoes. They're from H&M and they only cost 20 euros...but they're hot pink and I love them because they're so pretty. (They're actually really comfy for walking it turns out..) Anyways I was very pleased to get there and find that I was actually one of the most appropriately dressed people there. Shockingly. There were a bunch of meaty dudes running on the running track (dressed appropriately) but I couldn't help but notice that most of the girls there that were "working out" and "running" were wearing Converse shoes, denim shorts, a tank top, and a push up bra. A normal, run of the mill, everyday use bra. If I were to wear one of those while exercising my boobs would jump out and run away from me and I'd never see them again. They looked so absurd!! As we walked around the track we ended up passing most of the walkers so I felt like we were being productive. Lots of families and old people go there too just to stroll and relax. It's a nice environment. As we got half way around the track we came to the "adult playground" which is a bunch of jungle gym equipment that men or women can use for weight training or muscle building. I have decided to call this part of the park the Meat Playground. When we passed there were 40+ greasy men, all shirtless, stretching their arms and legs and acting like they were getting ready for some intense muscle building....except they never did anything. I don't even think they were sweating, I think they had just applied baby oil for the glistening effect. We did two laps that night and every time we passed they were all stretching towards the track but never doing any productive exercise. Hysterical. Today at the park I saw all of the sunbathers by the fountains....it looked like an Abercrombie advertisement. Practically naked super tan stick people laying out and trying to get even more tan. Luckily the Abercrombie stretch is far away from the track so I could do my strut walking to N'Sync and not have to worry about feeling inadequate. 

I was very surprised, after the first walk, that I hadn't seen any of my students. I had seen one but he didn't see me. I don't think it'd be a problem if they saw me but I was in a sports bra with a see-through tank top (because it's still 80 degrees here during the day) and I would simply prefer to avoid them. I got back to my house feeling excited to have found such a wonderful park where it seems very safe and clean and a great place to go work out...and I had overcome my cankle and fat arm issues...life was good. Until I turned on my phone to find these messages. 

These are the lovely messages I came home to from two of my students. One of my students had spotted me while walking with her mom and then sent numerous pictures of me to her friends...aren't children so lovely!? I'll also add/explain that a.) these are my favorite students from last year that have moved on to 7th grade and are in high school, so I don't give them class this year (which depresses me) and b.) I gave them my Whatsapp to talk over the summer because I figured it'd be good for them to practice in English and if they crossed any lines I could easily block them. What pissed me off most is that the girl who took the pictures didn't say ANYTHING to me like "hi Chelsea!" or "how are you"...nada. At first I was humiliated but the more I've thought about it the more humorous it becomes. First of all their comments were, "Chelsea! Andrea saw you running at the park!" .....bahahaha me RUNNING!? Yeah right. But I appreciate the confusion, it makes me sound cooler. Secondly all of the girls have been asking me when I'm going back to try and coincide with my supposed "running." Third...the way I see it, I'm glad they like me and actually sent me the picture as well and I'm not oblivious to the pictures of me that are being sent around high school. It's also God's way of telling me to buck up, Sally, and get over my body issues. Message received, loud and clear. If I wasn't over it before I got home I certainly got over it quickly there after. 

That night I realized that I have become Kanye West. Obviously this is not a good thing. I have worked so hard the past three years to establish meaningful relationships with as many of my students as I possibly can and even if I haven't been able to establish a relationship I've fought tooth and nail to make all of my students love me. I try to be the fun teacher, I try to be the cool teacher. I try to make all of my classes interesting & with games that relate to their lives. Essentially I have succeeded except now my success is overwhelming me...and I'm taking it out on my students. Instead of being humbled by all of their hugs and kisses and doting on me it has started to annoy me...I miss my personal space. I hate being treated like the Beatles every time I walk into a classroom. I feel claustrophobic and short-tempered. They have even become little paparazzi, sneaking pictures of me doing everyday activities in public. This is what I wanted...and how big of a bitch does that make me?? I should be so happy every time my kids flip their lids when I walk through the door. When they see me in public, they're not trying to be mean by taking pictures...I think they're just excited that they got to see me out of my element. I've gotten too big for my britches here and I've forgotten how to be humble. Therefore, from this day forward, I'm going to make a concerted effort to never be Kanye West again. He is a big old bitch and I definitely don't want to be anything like him. I'm going to embrace the love and be thankful for it. :)

Flight Recovery & Madrid Fashion Week

Hello world! I'd like to take a moment and give me credit for the fact that I have written not one, not two, but THREE blogs now in the time I've been back in Madrid! YEAR OF THE CHELSEA is back on track!!

Not much has been happening since I've been back (now that I am peacefully in Madrid and almost fully recovered from my traveling trauma...I say almost because I still have nightmares where I think I am trapped in an airplane and wake up screaming for my mom...not like bloody-murder scream but like annoying teenager scream..."Mom?....Mooom...? MOM? MOOOOM!!!" I don't mind it so much because I'm used to sleepwalking/sleep screaming but since the weather is warm my window is open at night and I doubt the old people & Paco appreciate the disturbances.)

I started one of my private classes and it went as well as I could have hoped. I brought the kids new markers and crayons from home so we had new supplies to work with and I also made sure to bring candy to bribe with in case they became unruly (which they always do...there's a fine line between laughing and joking to all of a sudden making jokes about weiners & bathroom functions. It's like pre-school Tourette's.) 

September is a nice month because I start work next Monday but we have half days until October and I also only have one private class until then as well. It allows me to ease into going back to school and getting used to being a work horse for the next 10 months.

Speaking of school...I'm less than ecstatic to go back. I think I've come to terms with the fact that this year is a transitional year. I stayed because it was the best option for me socially but I don't love my job anymore. It's not because of the teachers, but the administration and the younger students. For some reason the kids that are coming in from preschool are demonic beasts that are impossible to tame and have very little respect for anybody or anything. Playing with cute little toddlers is one thing but teaching them is a different ball game and my patience is quickly slipping. I don't regret staying by any means (because I'm having a ball with my free time) but I'm going to do some relaxing and cleansing this weekend to prepare for the school year. I'm good at my job when I work hard at it. I need to continue doing my job to pay for my social life & I need to figure out how to be happy doing it so that it's easier. This weekend I'm going to do some soul searching.

But in the meantime...my extracurriculars have been incredible. Besides hanging out with friends and catching up this week is Madrid Fashion Week. Each year Vogue hosts VFNO: Vogue's Fashion Night Out where all of the high-end designer stores open to a selection of the public to come in and browse their stores (aka window shop unless you're Scrooge McDuck, which I'm not) all while being given the VIP treatment. Considering the profile of the stores we visited (Prada, Michael Kors, Loewe, Custo Barcelona, Bulgari, Juicy Couture) I would consider VIP treatment to be allowing me in the shop without following me around to make sure I don't steal or damage the merchandise or not judging me for daring to enter while wearing lesbian sandals. However this was like celebrity status VIP. Real VIP. We waltzed right in to peruse the 500€ purses all while getting our asses kissed by the tuxedoed employees that served us champagne from glass flutes. Not plastic detachable New Years Eve safe-for-the-general-public "flutes". Glass champagne flutes. I was so impressed! At Michael Kors one of the attendants even offered to take one of the big bags out of the case for me to take a better look at. I almost choked on my champagne out of horror...don't let my grubby paws anywhere near a thousand dollar purse. If it started locked up it should stay there. Other stores served other drinks like daiquiris or blueberry lemonade and another place had mini-cupcakes that were so delicious. Some stores had a complete gin & tonic bar or a mojito bar. Basically I'm more determined than ever to find my big girl job so I can start getting paid enough to make that my everyday reality. Oh and in case you were wondering, don't worry. I didn't buy anything and I didn't wear my lesbian sandals for the event :)

Here are some pictures of the things I've been up to on my amazing week off of work!

Delicious tiny cupcakes at Vogue's Fashion Night Out

Juicy Couture takeover at the Corte Inglés

Racist donuts at Dunkin Donuts

Out with friends at a pirate bar

Playing in the fountains at Plaza de España

Sunset view from my apartment

Dinner with the boys at home...Beto made tortilla de patata!

All Good Things Come To An End (But Luckily So Do The Shittastic Ones!)

Second blog post in a week! Someone should give me a cookie (or just send me Halloween candy *cough*...I've already been sharing mine with Paco. He's a slender guy but damn he can down white chocolate like his life depended on it. Sorry Paco. He would personally love to request more Halloween candy...I swear we're almost out and I've been here less than a week.)

I need to finish detailing the rest of my God-awful, horrendous, heinous, unbelievable trip back to Madrid. Needless to say, it did NOT get better. It actually got worse, surprisingly. I went through the airport to get my Smashburger (it was a pretty magnificent burger and they had these special Smashfries that had rosemary and basil....mmmm. Herbs on carbs. Fancy carbs! That practically makes them veggies...) I noticed, before I sat down with my food, that the United customer service desk looked as deserted as the old west so I decided to scramble over there and ask my questions about the boarding pass to Madrid that I lacked and double check about my luggage. The black man from the night before was there so I said hi, and introduced myself as "the girl who held up the desk last night that was ugly crying but I'm better today!" and he said he didn't remember. I told him he was occupied with the bat-crap crazy Chuck Norris look-alike and we bonded over agreeing that that dude needed to take a chill pill...or maybe just a good laxative. He double checked my flights and reprinted my Rome boarding pass but couldn't give me the Madrid pass (I had to do that at the Italian airline desk in Rome). He double checked my luggage and said that it was all good to go through to Rome and then Madrid with me. If I missed my flight to Madrid (because of only having an hour layover) then there was another flight three hours later with over ten seats. I felt more comfortable and less stressed, so I was able to peacefully eat my Smashburger (last supper, practically). I made a friend with an Italian woman in line waiting to board and an older couple of ladies from the Indianapolis flight recognized me in line and came over to make sure I had gotten through the night okay. They also found a nice flight person in United who at first gave them pillows and a blanket to sleep in the airport but eventually came through and got them hotel vouchers. I'm glad, they were going to Rome on vacation with a tour group that had already left them. They were able to arrange to be picked up and taken to the group once they got there but they would miss all of Rome...all due to the ass-hats in Newark. If that had been me I would have insisted vehemently that the inept customer service rep. in Indy who lied to me take me to Rome himself and let me ride his back while he ponied me all over the city, showing me the ruins and feeding me grapes and pasta. I don't want to ill wish him but I would be lying if I said I haven't imagined him getting swallowed up into a sink hole. A couple of times. Like if the sink hole opened, he fell in, survived, and right when he stood up a sink hole opened up IN THE PREVIOUS SINK HOLE and sucked him down even further. Sink hole Inception. Ass.

Anyways. The flight to Rome was nice. I sat next to a 40-something year old couple...the husband a surgeon, and the wife a bit of a wino who got much friendlier and chattier the more she tiny airplane bottles of wine she bought. It was fun. To be honest the flight and airplane itself was the nicest that I have ever experienced. Tiny TV's with wonderful movies, comfy seats with lots of leg room...I was pleased. I deserved it. I also smuggled a baby cupcake on the flight for after our "dinner" and it was good. In Rome I was a little bit pushier and aggressive than I like to be in order to get on the first flight to Madrid. I adored the people watching and gorgeous Italian men I experienced going through security and all that jazz and I fought my initial impulse to drop everything and become a gypsy in Rome. I got my new boarding pass and made the flight on time! Things were going well. Finally. Except that the flight to Madrid had tiny TV's but they only offered the shows in Italian.....and there was a really hot flight attendant named Fabio (ironically) but he only spoke Italian...and nobody around understood me because they only spoke Italian. I didn't need anything to drink, luckily, because I had brought water on the flight but then the man next to me ordered some sort of bright red liquid that looked like Hawaiian punch...and it looked so good, I could tell from the carton it was a type of juice. I tried to ask Fabio for the juice in a mix of English and Spanish...and he said something back in Italian and I pointed to the guy next to me and his cup but apparently my Spanglish and charades aren't very good because all he gave me was a little package with a wet napkin. Apparently the word "juice" is similar to "wet napkin" in Italian. 

I got to Madrid. I waited at the baggage claim for about 30 minutes until all of the bags were taken off the belt and realized that not only was my bag not there (not surprised) and I didn't know what the hell to do in the situation of lost luggage...I was also surrounded by six Italians who had also not received their bags but did not speak Spanish or English. They were all yelling amongst each other about what they were going to do and theories of where they could be or why they were lost...and I just kinda followed them around like an abandoned puppy, struggling to maintain calm and figure out what the hell they were saying. I think I understood every five words. But none of it helped me communicate. I was so lost. I literally followed them around, keeping within a foot of the group, until they got to a service desk. None of them seemed to notice the American chick that was stalking them and their every move...

At the desk I waited behind the Italians for about an hour, still dazed and confused. And I wanted pizza after listening to them for so long. When it was my turn I was thrown directly into my piss-poor Spanish, at this point, and I explained that my bag was lost. Somewhere between Newark and Rome. Although possibly still in Indy where I should have been, if I had listened to all of the signs the universe was sending me. The girl told me when they found it and located it they would send it to my house (good news since the airport is in BFE). I was leaving the baggage claim, walking kind of slow and defeated (thankful though that my keys and undies were in my carry-on) when I noticed a random belt with a couple of bags rotating without purpose. I looked closer at the bags and I swear to blog my bag was FLOATING ON THAT DAMNED BELT that had NOTHING to do with our baggage claim!! I grabbed it quickly and thanked God for the kismet fate that I thought I deserved. Then some mousy luggage nazi who looked like he had been a little too friendly with some crystal meth came running over and told me I couldn't take my bag. I showed him the suitcase had two baggage tags and it matched my passport...and I could tell him everything in the bag. He said I had to go reclaim it through the service desk. I had to reclaim my own luggage. I refused to wait another hour so I popped back to the window with the same girl (not proud of cutting in line) and asked her to cancel my claim because it appeared. Literally just appeared. She said she thought it must have just gotten in on a different flight from Newark. Apparently my bag had a more direct flight than I did. 

To make matters worse after I got to the metro with all of my luggage, my Spanish debit card didn't work in the machine (for God knows what reason) and I barely had enough euros to make it home. I think I had about 52 cents extra by the time my journeys were complete. And then I slept for 4 consecutive days. My card situation has been mostly solved for now (it decided to work all of a sudden) and I'm enjoying my week off until I start work at school next Monday. I have been having nightmares of being trapped in an airplane recently and wake up shouting for my mom (which only really affects Paco and all the other tennants in the building who have a window facing the courtyard) but other than that I think I'll make a full recovery before travelling at Christmas. I think I'm gonna talk to some doctors before I come home at Christmas and see if I can get some Xanax beforehand. I might need it. But for now I'm in Madrid. Thank the baby Jesus! And thanks to all of you beloved friends and stalkers who kept up with my mishaps and sent me prayers and good vibes. You're the reason I got to watch The First Wives Club on the plane :)

Starting With A Bang...AKA Newark Sucks

Well as you can probably tell by the title, my grand trip back to Madrid has not 

gone exactly as planned. It started with a few hiccups and weird situations in 

Indianapolis and then went down hill as soon as I landed in the hell-hole that is 

Newark (although I also think this could be some sort of universal karma because I

recently referred to Newark [before my journey] as the armpit of America. I feel like

the world is trying to prove to me I was right.) The bright side of this is that I spent 

a lovely (albeit unnecessary) 15 hours relaxing in a nice hotel and I'm getting a 

jump-start on this year's blogging. 

So, Indianapolis. I knew when I left that my bag was about 5 lbs. overweight but I 

wasn't sure if it was a heavy 5 lbs. or a light 5 lbs...our scale has been on the fritz

lately. I had already been rearranging at home but somehow every time I took 

something out to lighten the load I also found three other things I wanted to put in.

Murphy's Law. Anyways I finally gave up on the rearranging and figured I'd get it 

straightened out when all of my bras and belongings were scattered around the 

Indianapolis International Airport floor. That tends to weed out the non-imperative

 items pretty quickly. 

My mom dropped me off and while she was parking I navigated the check-in 

counter. My bag weighed 56 pounds and the attendant told me that she'd give me 

some wiggle room of 51.5 but any more than that she couldn't allow. The first thing 

I knew I had to take out was a container of Miracle Whip I had packed...laugh all 

you want but it's one of the few things in my suitcase that was actually FOR me. I 

packed enough candy and chocolate for Paco & my other friends/private class 

students that I wouldn't be surprised if TSA were to call me in for questioning to 

decide if I was legitimately trying to smuggle candy into Europe to establish some 

sort of black market candy exchange. Anyways that weighed 3 pounds but I still 

needed to take one more thing out. I took out some jeans that weren't imperative 

for me to have and my mom could easily send to me. That took the suitcase down to 

50 pounds exactly so I told the attendant "well hey, if I still have 1.5 extra pounds I 

want to see if I can fit in a pair of wedges I brought with me." She was patient but 

somehow both shoes put the bag up to 52 pounds. She insisted, "Here! Just put the 

one shoe in and you're set! It's right at 51.5 with one shoe so you're good! Just leave 

the one shoe!" She literally shut the bag on my hand, zipped it up and slapped the 

sticker on it. I was finished there so I had my two carry-on bags and an extra purse 

of things that didn't fit...a pair of jeans, Miracle Whip, and one shoe. While we were 

waiting in the food court I decided I could smuggle the extra purse with me and at 

worst case scenario could shove the jeans and shoe into my other bag and put the 

purse in my rolling carry-on. (I also suspect that this hoodwink could also be 

another karmic reason I'm not in Madrid yet...) 

I got through security fine...got on the plane fine. We were told there were problems 

in Newark but that we were going to sit on the runway and hope that a window 

would open where they would let us land. We sat on the runway (I was napping) for 

an hour and a half, getting updates every 20 minutes or so telling us they were 

delaying more and more, when they finally told us that Newark had blocked all 

planes coming in to Newark due to "bad weather" and was not allowing us to arrive 

until 8 p.m., meaning we couldn't leave until 6 p.m. from Indianapolis. For the 

record everybody checked the weather in Newark and it was sprinkling. A rain 

shower paralyzed an international airport for 4+ hours. I waited in the ticket 

exchange line because my flight out to Madrid was at 8:35 and I couldn't imagine 

making it, especially with their horrible record of delaying us. I told the ticket guy 

that I would rather stay in Indianapolis over night and hang out with my family & 

sleep in my own bed and such instead of being stuck for an extended period of time 

in the Newark airport. He assured me, vehemently, "Noooo no no no, we're leaving 

right at 6:07, if not earlier, so you'll have 45 minutes to get to your gate. It's not in 

the same terminal but if you don't dawdle you'll have plenty of time. You'll 

definitely make it." And refused to change my ticket. Asshole. ASSHOLE. 

I waited in the Indy airport for a couple of extra hours and finally boarded. We 

landed in Newark at 8:15 p.m. and it took ten minutes to get my rolling carry-on. I 

literally sprinted through the terminal to get on the shuttle bus and made it to 

Terminal C from A by 8:30. I ran up three flights of stairs with my 40 lb. carry-on 

and two purses and was briskly walking to my gate when an Arabic man with one 

of those three-car go-carts stopped and asked where I was going. I told him C125 

and he said it was far away. I had 3 minutes. He tried to blast through all of the 

people but the go-cart didn't have a horn so he just yelled ''BEEP!!! 

BEEEEEEEEEEP!! BEEP BEEP! EXCUSE ME, BEEP!!!!" all offended like they didn't respect him...um.....duh. He dropped me off and I jogged over but saw a man from 

my flight in front of me who didn't have to wait on the carry-on luggage. He said 

we'd missed it. By about 5 minutes. 5 effing minutes. Ugh. We waited on the service 

desk (luckily there weren't many people in line when we started) and the guy in 

front of me was able to work something out because he was in business class. I, 

unfortunately, was/am not and had more troubles. The woman said the best she 

could do was a flight at 5:15 p.m. the next day to Rome, and then a flight from 

Rome to Madrid. I'd arrive Sept. 4 in Madrid at 11:30 a.m. local time. That means I 

would have to wait from 9 p.m. to 5:15 p.m. the next day in the airport. I think 

under different circumstances I would have accepted that the delay was "weather 

related", as asinine as that was, and stayed at the airport...but I had told that man 

in Indy, at least 3 times, that I didn't want to risk it and he assured me there would 

be no problems. He all but promised. He was cocky and unwavering. I broke down 

and couldn't even talk to the woman at the desk because I was trying hard not to 

cry and she kinda just sat back and told me to take my time...it was so 

embarrassing because every time I thought about staying at home another day and 

sleeping in my own bed and not having this issue that could have been avoided and 

missing it by 5 minutes...it made me more and more upset. So I cried for about a 

whole minute until I could at least catch my breath and explain. I told her I offered 

to switch flights. And the man wouldn't let me. So this wasn't like the other people 

that were shit out of luck...she needed to rectify the situation and the least she 

could do was give me a hotel room to stay and relax in because her company had 

robbed me of a day with my family when I was leaving for 4 months. I think she 

thought that I was having a nervous break-down so she tried everything she could 

but the system literally wouldn't let her give me a hotel voucher because the flight 

was listed as weather-delayed and they weren't allowed to give vouchers for it. I 

didn't want something for nothing but I felt very wronged and needed something to 

make me feel a little better. She called someone and potentially illegally got me a 

voucher for a hotel. By this time there were 20 people or more in line waiting (my 

situation took like 20 minutes to solve), watching me ugly cry and not capable of 

talking, and she told me under her breath that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone she 

was doing it because they're not supposed to do it and everyone behind me would 

want one too. She wouldn't even tell me how to get to the airport...she wrote down 

the instructions on scrap paper and asked if I understood. It was some James Bond 

shit going on but I really appreciated her extra effort. 

Now I'm at Newark again after spending the night in the hotel, the Ramada, and 

need to figure out my next steps. I have my boarding pass to Rome but I don't have 

my boarding pass to Madrid. I also only have an hour layover in Rome...and am not 

sure if that's doable and setting me up for more failures. Worst case scenario, 

though, I get stuck for an extended time in Rome...and that wouldn't be that 

horrible. I promise if I get stranded in Rome I'm gonna go get some amazing pasta, 

gelato, and Amaretto. But for now there's a place here called Smashburger that 

numerous passengers have been raving about so I'm gonna get that for lunch and 

figure out my next moves. Sometimes I wish my life could just be boring and normal...but I guess we'll just have to see what happens next!

My Extended Absence, The Sadist, and Rome

Okay so...I really suck at writing. This is literally the only New Year's Resolution I've not followed through with this year...and I feel bad about it. The problem is that I've been really stressed out the past two months (an entire two months) and when I haven't been stressed out I've been out of the country. I don't even know where to start on this entry...

Let's start with my stress. First, I finally had to make a decision about staying in Spain or moving home and becoming a normal functioning adult. When push came to shove I decided I would leave my option open here and plan on coming back while still looking for a job at home over the summer. The problem is that I don't have my teaching license so I can only apply at private schools...I'm gonna see what happens but plan on coming back. The only problem is that I don't know if I can actually stand another year here at my school. I love 7/8 of my school but that 1/8 is a bitch, and that bitch's name is Preschool. I tried to talk rationally with the head nun about reducing my hours next year and she told me my only option was to continue with preschool or change and teach the middle schoolers and high schoolers. Gag me. I would rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon. That's like one of those horrible “would you rather...” scenarios. Would you rather teach primary and preschool (dun dun DUNNN), or middle school and high school? Well I dunno, Chelsea, would you rather cut off your right arm or your left leg? Would you rather be blind or deaf? Would you rather get shot in the face or bleed out over a two week period? …..the answer is neither. I hate all the options. I want my normal life back. That's not an option though. Turns out the head nun is, ironically, a complete sadist whose spirit animal is an angry small child with a magnifying glass who loves burning and torturing the insects that are smaller than them. Basically she's Sid from Toy Story...with an unattractive bob hair cut. She loves saying “no” and being in charge. She gets her jollies from making everyone else's lives unhappy. And she's a freaking nun. Here's the best part....the other nuns HATE her. The normal, cute, granny like nuns. They abhor her as well...I mean please think of how demonic you'd have to be for a nun to trash-talk you....that being said I love when the nuns trash talk. They don't even refer to her by name anymore...most of us just call her “HER....” with a severe eye-roll. I pissed her off last week because she decided she really wanted me to go up to secondary school next year and teach the older kids. I told her that I wasn't open to that idea and if she forced me then I'd rather go home........that didn't sit well with her. The thing is everyone at school has to abide by what she says because there is no other option. I wasn't trying to give her an ultimatum, it's just how it is. I was already on the fence about staying so if you're going to make my life hell I'll go hang out on the greener grass. She's been giving me death looks ever since. It's lovely.

Anyways....I have already bought my ticket back here so I'm probably going to have to at least stick it out until Christmas. And one of the reasons I want to stay is so I can revisit Rome and London. I have something shocking and controversial to say but I have to admit it...

….I think I liked Rome more than I like London.

Okay now that I've rocked your world...it's true. LOOK AT THAT FACE! I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. Everything is better in Italy. It's like the most magical place on Earth. Rome is beautiful. The people are sweet, warm, welcoming, and wonderful. The food is to die for and I won't even start on how attractive all the men are....not to mention the fact that they all seemed to think I'm equally attractive and that is just plain overwhelming. Being back in Madrid is almost painful because it pales in comparison. I was strongly considering looking into teaching English in Italy for a year...like really really strongly...but in the next few years I want to come home for good and start my life and I am so positive that if I tried to swim in that sea I would never leave. Ever. Ever. Ever. Never ever. I'd find some ridiculously gorgeous Italian to marry, make bazillions of guido babies, get fat on spaghetti and die an absurdly happy woman. (Bet that second one is gonna give Tim a coronary....sorry Dad :)

But, unfortunately, I want more from life than that. Shockingly. 

What the hell is wrong with me??

Profane Utensils And The Taste Of My Foot In My Mouth

I'm writing more frequently! Be proud of me!!

To be honest I'm blogging because I skipped one of my private classes today and because I napped for about 4 hours I decided I needed to be productive (to make my 25 euro loss worth it)...and I have been! I made tuna salad (which is quite intricate because not only do I have to cut up a ridiculous amount of veggies, I also have to cut the grapes...which in Spain have seeds and is like a mini excavation project nightmare with each and every grape, to dig out all the seeds), cut a pineapple...okay so I wasn't that productive. But I'm blogging so...that counts.

I also have to blog because so much crap has been piling up in such a short amount of time that I'm going to forget all the good stuff (and by good stuff I mean the absurd ridiculous things that happen to me) and if people can't even laugh at them then it doesn't make them worth suffering through.

First things first....the nun this week has been bat-crap crazy. I don't know if she quit some medication or something or if she's been drinking too much caffeine...but she's been off her rocker. Usually at the beginning of class I hook up the computer to the Smart Board (and interactive board that lets us show videos and the kids can write with their fingers and stuff) and prepare my activities. She practices and drills grammar and vocabulary (which honestly is a symbiotic relationship...I only have to teach for 45 minutes instead of an hour and she hates my presence a little bit less because she feels like she's not losing a day. She's actually quite fond of me, she just hates that she's supposed to sacrifice a whole hour a week to me to practice speaking.) This past week I was prepping the computer when I hear the oddest thing.

Nun: FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
Kids: fuck! fuck! fuck!

.......now I'm used her accidentally screaming profanities, but this one was bad. It didn't require any imagination on my part to giggle and say "tee hee, when she says beach it kind of sounds like bitch." No no. This was motorcycle gang/Hell's Angels in a shady corner bar kind of profanity, with equivalent enthusiasm and pronunciation. My head immediately popped up from behind the computer with eyes the size of golf balls to try to figure out what the hell was going on. Keep in mind that these kids are my babies, my sweet sweet babies, that were in 1st grade when I first started. They worship me. They still hug and kiss me even in 3rd grade. They're 9 and screaming (in perfect unison) the grand poobah of cuss words. I'm free to say most profane words in the company of my mother but the F bomb is still not allowed and I'm 25 years old. And whenever my brother says it I look around panicked waiting for the shit to hit the fan. (although it never does, he gets away with murder...haha)

Back to the sailors. I sit waiting, looking around confused and trying not to burst into tears laughing. Luckily my answer came to me without having to ask. Colonel Nun loves to teach vocabulary through chanting (read: screaming) and hand gestures. This occasion was no different.

Nun: ESPOON (spooning from a bowl), FUCK (first three fingers stabbing at some sort of invisible plate), KNIFE (uses whole hand to karate chop down).
Kids: espoon!, fuck!, knife!
Nun: ESPOON, FUCK, KNIFE!!
Kids: espoon!, fuck!, knife!

I remember vividly that this was a day when my new water-resolution was not sitting well and there was a severe panic that my bladder might explode. I literally couldn't wait to a.) pee myself and b.) run to all the teachers who speak decent enough English to explain what I had witnessed. Plus how do you fix that? The worst part is that my kids are going to repeat that for a very long time. I've mentioned before that Colonel Nun often has a problem with her S's...and SH's. So instead of saying sit down, she says shit down. Instead of saying socks, she says shocks. My kids still say shocks. "He is wearing blue shocks." No he isn't, but it's almost impossible to correct!! "Um excuse me, the way you say fork would offend many native speakers" is not a conversation I want to start or finish with her. It's already terrifying enough when she compliments me when I curl my hair. (it goes like this: MY BABY!! [she screams everything she says, she has one volume] JEW LOOK BERRY PRITTY TODAY!! JESS JESS! JOUR HHHAIR IS MAAAAHVELOUS! MY GIRL!])

I don't exactly have much room to talk though. Not this week. I still can't look the neighbors from the 4th floor in the eye. I'll admit to it.

Last week was when I decided I'd invent a new tuna salad recipe. Tuna is cheap here and I need to add some more protein to my recipes so...I went to the store to try to find scallions. I've never purchased scallions before (nor cooked with them) so I was really excited when I found them here. In Spanish the word is ajete. Which is kind of like saying "garlic-ish". Which is funny because I always thought they smelled more like onions. Anyways...I learned a new word at the supermarket, I used it twice with the employees, and I was feeling good. Of course scallions are super fragrant so I smelled like them the whole way home. I see the neighbor from the fourth floor (an old lady, about 70, who always comments on the weather and how cold it is and how the elevator door closes too quickly...and while most old bitties here in Spain annoy the shit out of me (they always talk about the weather...twenty five times in one conversation...they will make clicking noises at you if they think that you are not properly dressed in the winter...they will poke you with an umbrella and cut in front of you in the line for the bus [which bugs me most of all because if you would just leave me alone I would GLADLY let you go in front of me! Or if you just asked! Or simply acknowledged my presence as a human being instead of treating me like a waste of oxygen and space]) I let her talk about all these things and I act genuinely interested and not annoyed. Anyways we get on the elevator and the door closes. Here is how the conversation goes:

Bitty Neighbor: It's so cold these days!
Me: Yes, but it's getting better! Plus it's snowing where I come from so...I can't complain!
Bitty Neighbor: I guess that's true! I hate snow! It's just so cold! You've got quite a lot of groceries there! And you've got something really aromatic...
Me: Yes!! I just bought ojete for the first time!

Notice something different? Instead of saying Ajete, I said Ojete. One letter, big difference. Essentially in Spanish she said "you have something that smells wonderful" and my response was, "Thanks!! It's asshole!".

As soon as I said it I knew it. I knew what I had said. But the door opened and she got the hell out of dodge. I'm sure she ran to her apartment to tell her family about the embarrassing and shameful conversation she had with the blonde foreigner upstairs. Ugggggggh. I still have nightmares about dancing assholes and scallions.

Just kidding but that'd be hilarious. Visualize it.

Actually I have been having nightmares recently, but they're the worst kind where I wake up and continue sleep walking around and reacting in the nightmare but in real life. Last night before I even went to bed I KNEW I was going to have a problem because the drying rack we use for clothes (we don't have dryers) was in my bedroom (so my clothes didn't smell like smoke from the living room) was in my room blocking the door. I made sure I had gone to the bathroom so I didn't have a problem there...but of course I had some dream where I was trapped in the basement of an abandoned house with two apparent Spanish speakers, because when I came to I was screaming in Spanish that we would have to break a window and climb out, with a flip flop in my hand (that I had dug out of my closet) and sweating bullets. Maybe my roommates should write blogs about the crazy shit they find the American chick doing in her sleep. Since I have no control over it I have no shame in admitting to it...but I am going to call this blog post quits now in order to try and get a GOOD night's sleep...and not wake up yelling in a foreign language with my footwear as weapons. Good night!

(Next post I PROMISE to write about the devil kid at our school....he's a ginger, he strikes fear into the hearts of everyone and his stories are PRICELESS.)