I love jew!.......I deed no want to say dat.

Today is Black Friday. And while I would love to complain and say that I wish I was home, I can't. Not really. I mean......okay yeah, I wish I could be at Castleton Mall (or OOOOH maybe Circle Centre, an upgrade) with some of my best friends to people watch the psychos shop. Today is on my list of people-watching holidays. This list also is home to Harry Potter releases (books, movies, etc.), prom season, and well...now, all of Spain. I NEVER dress Spanish. Here's what I lack: thigh high leather boots with 3 1/2 inch platform heels, booty denim shorts, booty shorts in general, numerous pairs of tights of various colors, and baby doll tees with cartoon characters and/or grammatically incorrect English. Here's an example:

Please note the fashion math here: the short length (x) is equal to (y), her crotch. If x = y, then z (the outfit) is trashy. And probably drafty. Basic math.

Typical Spanish. I couldn't begin to tell you how many Spanish women thought I was checking them out because I was staring at their chest, squinting intently, trying to figure out what the hell their shirt said. In English. At first, I thought my English had completely gone down the crapper. But then I realized the shirt was like this one and didn't make any sense anyways. Translation FAIL.

Anyways...my point is that I would love to people watch at home and watch the crazies in the mall but I'm actually having multiple Thanksgivings here. Yesterday, I had lunch with my roommates and we had stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans (I made them!!!), some sort of salad, and apple crisp that was INCREDIBLE. Then today, I had my NIE appointment (foreigner identification number appointment...I like to call it my green card) at 9 a.m. So Katie & I took a little stroll up the road to the office, I got to catch up with Rebecca because her appointment was today too, and then we went to this cute place called "CH y CH" (CH and CH) for hot chocolate and churros. (I like to call it CH and CH and CH...chocolate, churros, and CHelsea!! hah!) THEN I went with Katie to the post office to get my mail, which had many prezzies from Tim and Jeri (today Katie called them Jim and Terry by accident...it was pretty awesome. I might adopt it officially) including 420 candy canes, new glasses with my actual prescription, and the best thing yet:

CANDY CANE ANTLERS!!!!!!!!!!!! YES YES YES.

I can't wait to go to school with these things on. Seriously. Can't wait.

After the box, we went to this completely American "50's diner" called Mel's near our house. It was noon, but not open. So clearly it's not that American after all. We were American, though, as we banged on the window numerous times until we caught someone's attention and mouthed "What time do you open??" 1. Well fine, we'll be back, haha. So we went home, I called our internet company because they're liars and assholes, and finally Katie and Carissa drug me away from arguing with them so we could go get our Thanksgiving lunch. Spanish hamburgers are awful, by the way. Even if you go to McDonalds, they taste horrible. But Mel's is phenomenal. We had chili cheese fries, burgers, and a chocolate milkshake. It was gluttonous like Thanksgiving should be. And all of the waitresses wore really awful pastel pink satin dresses with hot pink Converse shoes. I'm also glad that's what Spaniards think America is like. I left my pink satin dress at home. The best part of the whole restarant, though was a sign on the wall that said "If you're not served in 5 minutes.........you'll be served in 9 or 10. Maybe 12. Relax." Now THAT is Spanish.

Anyways, I'm now waiting at home (recovering)...and a friend Isaac is over making pumpkin pie. I'm not sure where he found pumpkin but I'm pretty sure it probably cost him a few fingers and his first born child. After the pumpkin pie, I'm going to pretend to be doing homework until later tonight, when I'm meeting up with some other friends to have REAL Thanksgiving. With TURKEY!! IN SPAIN. I can't wait!! It's going to be awesome. I'm not going to eat for a week after this, atleast.

So. Luckily my Thanksgiving in Spain didn't suck like I thought it would! Also, I treated Thanksgiving like I did Halloween...I played holiday Santa and gave native Spaniards themed prezzies! On Halloween, I gave my baristas at the coffee shop spider rings, Halloween pencils, and body-part candy. They loved it. For Thanksgiving, I bought 3 boxes of assorted cookies. I gave one box to this cute girl at the bank down the street (she was really, really confused as to why I brought her cookies. I tried to explain without her I wouldn't have any money and I appreciated her help. She stood up and backed away slowly, I swear I thought she was going to call security, but then came around the counter to give me two kisses on the cheek. CUTE!!) Then I wrote my teachers at my school a letter about how I love the school and appreciate them including me in their mid-day drinking at the local bar and making me feel at home. I left them the other 2 boxes. It made me so happy to share Thanksgiving here because Spaniards are really not used to saying "thank you".

This also brings me to my teaching of Thanksgiving in my classes. I only had time to teach Thanksgiving in my 1st grade and 3rd grade classes, but that was plenty for me. The 1st graders loved coloring the turkey and the 3rd graders got consumed by looking up words in the dictionary. I'm really sad to report that my 3rd graders don't know how to use the dictionary. I made them write 4 things they are thankful for on feathers to paste on their fingers for a hand turkey. They know "family" and "friends" but couldn't get past it. I kept walking around the room and I saw that 6 different students wrote "sus", "v", and "con". Come again?? One girl wrote "adj family", "adj sister", "adj teachers". That's when I realized they would look up the words, and instead of understanding that the first thing that appears is the PART OF SPEECH, they wrote that down. Sus= sustantivo, or noun, v= verb, con= conjunction. Seriously?? Also the concept of a turkey is more foreign than pants in this country. I told the kids to draw legs and a beak. One student gave his turkey 4 legs (draw it, it's hilarious), another kid put 2 feathers on his thumb and index finger and 2 on his pinky and ring finger, leaving them middle finger open and super awkward, and another little girl gave herself a panic attack because she's an over acheiver and insisted on writing 8 feathers of things she is thankful for. She drew herself extra feathers and literally almost started crying when she realized there were 4 feathers for a reason. It doesn't always pay to suck up, haha.

In this class, though, the funniest thing happened. While the teacher was out of the room. Which left me to deal with the aftermath. Which is always bad. I was trying to write a paragraph in Spanish on the board about Thanksgiving to explain why we're making turkeys. I'm allergic to chalk, though, so I ended up sneezing pretty strongly. One of the kids in class said "Jesus", which is the response in Spanish. Another student wanted me to understand, so he, of course, said it in English. "I love jew!"
Oops. I started laughing and the worst part was there's a kid from Manchester in the class so he gasps and immediately hides his face because he's so embarrassed for the kid. Then he started "whispering" in Spanish "you said I love you!!! you told her you love her!!!!" So then all the kids know what he did and start laughing and pointing and he keeps saying "no!! ees dat...I no want to say dat!!" I told him it's okay, I love him too. I love all of my students, and you all love me too, right? This is my favorite part: when my students have no idea what I'm saying so they just nod and smile. Before I can say "awwww good" the kid from Manchester says "NO, I don't love you!!" and crosses his arms defiantly. I was insulted. No wonder people think the British are so cold. I tried to tell him you can love someone without loving them but that still didn't go over well. Oh well. Can't reach them all.

I'm also excited to say that I conquered my most annoying class. These 6th graders are so smart that no matter what I do, they're always talking and rude. I decided it was because they were a.) not challenged and b.) not interested. Therefore I had to think and figure out what could entertain them. On the way home from class one day, on the Metro, my answer came to me in the form of Britney Spears. I wrote the lyrics for them and made them fill in the blanks. To the song "Crazy".



They loved it. They loved it so much they actually changed the word "crazy" to Chelsea. And now they sing to me during recess. Also, the next week (which was the day before Thanksgiving) they worked together to change the lyrics to say "Chelsea, I'm so into you, you sacrificed to be here with us. Chelsea, you are so great. We're happy you are here with us"

Cute right?!? Next week I'm going to teach them how to rhyme, haha.

I'll leave you with this picture...me & friend Isaac trying to open the can of pumpkin with a bottle opener. Viking hat necessary. Happy Thanksgiving :)

MY BABIES! What is your favorite clothes?

It's that time again...time for an update on my 4th grade classes, also known as "Colonel Nun dominates 4th grade." In my head.

I see it's been quite awhile since I've posted...so much has happened. So so much. I'm going to just start in and see how far I get, haha. Starting with the nun.

From reading my blog and all of its absurdities, you probably think that I have class with Colonel Nun about half of my classes or more, right? Guess again! She only teaches 4th grade English. I only have three 4th grade classes. So basically, she is only 1/6 of all of my classes, but 90% of all of the crazy I endure in Spain in general. General Nun.

Last week she was on a roll. In each of the classes I had with her, I had no voice (because I got sick and just completely lost it. Instead of letting me go home, on Thursday they made me yell over the students and by  Friday I couldn't even squeak. That's right, mark your calendars...October 15, 2010, Chelsea could not talk at all.) Therefore, in the classes when I couldn't talk, I observed. Curiously. Here's what I noticed: Colonel Nun likes no nonsense. No erasers on the desk. No rulers. No fidgiting with glasses, school supplies, papers, books, or body parts. If you fidgit, and she catches you, you will be yelled at. Like this:

MY BABY!!! WHAT ARE JEW DOING?? WHAT EES DAT? POOT DAT OUT. YA!! POOT DAT OUT!! AWAY! AWAY! *insert yelling in Spanish where she compares student to a dumb animal* Jew know dat I love jew but jew are being eemposseeble!!

Great. So then the kids are scared shitless, but then the moment she turns around the get out their erasers again, or "rubbers" as they learn from British English (yeah awkward central) and their rulers and start stimulating baseball. If I was an 8 year old, I'd be terrified of the conservative nun and her incessant yelling. Hell, I'm 22 years old and I'm terrified of her.

She had another shining moment, though, later that day. Sometimes you get to a point and you learn how someone is crazy but you adapt. There is no adapting with Colonel Nun because she has a whole slew of new crazy she saves for rainy days. She was asking one of the girls in class a question (because the girl does not understand English hardly at all) and expected the rest of the class to sit quietly while she waited for the answer. It's quite overzealous, if you ask me, to expect the most rambunctious 4th grade class that has ever existed on Earth to sit quietly and patiently while one student cannot remember how to say "my name is ______." So it started.

MY BABY!! Look at me, my baby!! Look. What ees jour name? Tell me! What ees jour name? Jes, jew. JOUR NAME. My name ees Maria Jose. What is JOUR name?? JOUR name? Come on, baby, come on. Tell me.

Little impatient boy: pssst....your name is Natalia. Say "my name is Natalia."

SUT UP!! SEE EES SHY. SEE EES ONLY ESCARED BECUZ JEW ALL ESCARE HER, OKAY?? So tell me, baby, what ees jour name? [p.s. I'm pretty sure the other students are not the ones scaring her. Final answer.]

Little impatient boy: pssst....Natalia! Say "Natalia!"

JEW. SUT UP. AY SAID SUT UP!! Go out een da hall and theenk about what jour name ees, where jou come from and who are jour parents so jew are not confused about stealeeng de personality of dis leetle girl. GO. GO. My God, my God, we have got such a problem weeth double personalities here!!!!!

In case you didn't guess, the little girl never actually said her name, or anything at all. Maybe because she thought her "personality was stolen" by the other kid?? What the hell!?


In a different class, Colonel Nun was practicing clothes & vocabulary with the students. So she would go around quickly and fire off questions at random. This day, however, she developed that weird 's' thing like last time where everytime she would say an 's", she would instead say 'sh'. I'm not sure what brought it on, but I like to call this her "Sean Connery Syndrome"....or, well, "Sean Connery Shyndrome." Sho classh went like thish: "JEW, what ish jour favorite pet? JEW what ish jour favorite food?...

JEW, tell me baby, what ish jour favorite clothesh?
Boy: My favorite clothes is sart.
Bery good, bery good, jour favorite clothesh ish shart!

...........................why??????? WHY. Como se dice "shart is not an article of clothes" in Spanish? I don't even know how to say shart in Spanish to explain how it's inappropriate. Then again, I'd be talking to the Catholic institution that uses a doll named Poopie to teach culture and Spanish. That's right, all of my classes through 4th grade use this blue alien doll (he's cute) named Pupi (like pupil...except in Spanish you pronounce it "poo-peel") but Pupi for short. Imagine my surprise when, whilst playing an innocent game of "I Spy", I say "I spy something blue...what do you think it is Miguel?" POOPIE!!!! EES POOPIE!!! POOPIE EES BLUE!!!

....what?? So I just look at him horrified (awkwardly) and because I'm not agreeing with him, he just keeps shouting POOPIE!! POOPIE!! LOOK POOPIE EES BLUE!! Chelsea, look!! POOPIE! Luckily the teacher laughed and said "Pupi is the doll we use for our textbooks...I know it sounds odd in English...yes, Miguel, Pupi is blue. Stop shouting Pupi.

Sigh. So back to Sean Connery. While practicing food vocabulary and questions, the students started asking me about my favorites. So they ask me "Chelsea, what is your favorite food??" So I told them "well, I really miss Chinese food...there is this restaurant, called Panda Express...like panda bears? yes, panda...and they have amazing food that I miss here."

Ready for Colonel Nun's response? "Chinese food?? Jew like Chinese food?? Wang!! Where ees Wang?? Wang, jew hear? Chelsea....liiiikes....Chinese food....jess....just like where JEW are from. China. Can jew make Chinese food??


............it was awful on so many levels. I couldn't decide which was worse: the fact that she called out the Chinese kid for being Chinese, the fact that she assumed and asked him if he could make Chinese food, or the aftermath of the question where Wang did not understand so his face lit up because I was simply talking to him and he nodded his head vigorously without understanding what was going on at all. Sorry Wang :/ maybe sometime I'll cook you some of my eggrolls as a peace offering.

I can't remember if I've mentioned before, but Spain is really racist towards everybody. Especially the Africans and the Asians, though. Especially especially the Chinese. Chinese racism appears on TV on hugely popular shows and even in the basic language. I haven't had to deal with it in the classroom though (except for the Wang incident).

Wednesday, though, was a special day. Last Wednesday was impossible. First of all, during recess, 4 random boys walked up to me and asked "Chelsea, tienes novio??" (do you have a boyfriend?) ....why do you care? You haven't even hit puberty. Call me in 15 years. THEN I was talking to my 6th graders who adore me (it's cute, they write me letters in English...I'll post one sometime soon, it's hilarious) and they told me that this kid Alvaro has a crush on me. Except all they could say was "he...uh...he...he likes you. But you know, likes you. I like Joaquin, because he is very handsome. He looks like Justin Beiber." Quote, unquote. I died. About JB, not the kid who is 12 that has a crush on me. Although I will brag that the kid is super cute. Atleast he's not one of the weird ones. He's very smart and has adorable blue eyes. But, being 10 of course, he's not quite my type.

Anyways, after lunch, I go to Alvaro & the girls' English class. At first we were going over a flyer in the  book that says "Competition: design a computer game that helps people and win a computer." I asked the class "what type of person would do this?" looking for the vocab word that was "computer programmer". Instead, Alvaro pulls his eyes back and says "someone Chinese!!".......................Christ. So I looked at him with my angry eyebrow and said "Alvaro...1. that's racist. 2. rude." Didn't matter..

The teacher in that class just wants me to speak with them in English so we were going over the words "always, never, I like, I'm good at"...etc. So I ask "what is something you always do?" Alvaro raises his hand (he always has to answer and he's always a smartass...we get along well...) and shouts "I always play tennis!!" (P.S. this is the kid who lied to me and told me that over our 4 day weekend he was travelling to the U.S. for a tennis camp...) I told him that was impossible and to think of something more specific so he wasn't lying. I love this class because I can usually be really sarcastic and witty and most of the time they pick up on it. So anyways we go on and I say "what is something you like?" Alvaro, of course, has to answer. "I like tennis!!" I said "no crap you like tennis, Alvaro, everyone knows that. Tell me something different." He says "I like (insert the name of some famous tennis player that I didn't know)" Who?? "uh, he is a famous tennis player" So I decided if he was going to be annoying I'd throw it back at him, so I say "oh, okay, so you like men?" and he goes excited "yes!! yes, I like men"

HAH. I died laughing and winked at him and said "ah, great Alvaro, you like men. Good", gave him the okay sign, and moved on. Approximately 3 seconds later he goes "CHELSEA CHELSEA, no!! eh, uh....I like men, yes, but no like men, no? How you say...uh....it's not what you think, see...". Haha. Gotcha, sucker!! He never did figure out how to say "I'm not gay" but, unfortunately for him, he didn't know that gay is gay in Spanish and English. Alvaro: 0. Chelsea: 1. Congratulations, Chels, you are smarter than a 6th grader, haha. This is what my world has come to.