I have updates this week as well as way too many awkward stories. They're all inappropriate so you've officially been warned.
General Nun has been on her A-game this week. For sure. I think I've forgotten to mention that she will flat out tell me to my face that I don't know English, sometimes, because British English is more correct than my “American”. So one day I was trying to explain “blender”. She says “no, we call it a mixer”. In class I slipped up and said “this is what we call a blender!” “OR ees what we call a meexair. Ees from dee Breeteesh. Ees more right.”
General Nun: 1. Chelsea: in the negative too far to count. Anyways the kids this week have been learning transportation. She went around the room asking the kids “MY BABIES, how jew get to da school?”
Nun: Tell me, baby, how jew get to school?
Student 1: I go to school by bus.
Student 2: I go to school by car.
Student 3: I go to school by car.
Student 4: I go to school by foot, then by tube, den by foot.
...I think I did that Scooby Doo double take thing where I'm like...wait what?? So I asked “how do you get by school?” And the student asks “uh...ees how jew you say, Metro? Tube?” NO. That's not how you say Metro. The only place on Earth that says “tube” is London. And it's just a general term. You can't say you take a tube to school. That makes you sound crazy, like you were Harry Potter or something. Lord.
Me: Oh, okay. I see. We just say Metro.
Nun: oh, jess? Well jew must have stolen from here! Ees “tube” een Engliss.
Gotcha. You'd know best. Other mishaps she's made this week:
“Jew can say ees good or is...? BUTT!! Jess, butt ees de opposhit of good.”
“One boy ees tall...de udder ees shot. One boy ees fat, de udder ess teen.”
Or better yet, she got in a fight this week with one of the students. This is the best tactic yet:
Student: ees pretty de same as handsome?
Nun: Jess, my God my baby, jess ees de same!!! Jew make me so angry!!
Student: well te quiero!! (I love you)
Nun: I HATE JEW MY BABY!!
Caps means loud screaming 3 inches from his face, by the way.
Other updates in school: Joan, the boy from the previous post who insists on calling himself “Essexy boy” has now added 2 other names to his nametag in class: “Blak strong”, “rompe dientes (break teeth)”, and Coby Brayan (spelled just like that). He told me to call him Blak Strong first. I told him I thought that might be racist. Maybe. I'm glad he's proud of being black though, haha. Clearly.
I'll end on a high note with my lowest point of today. Potentially lowest point of Spain thus far. At recess, I always talk to my students and say hello, even though on Thursdays I am allowed to leave after class. I have noticed, though, that my younger students are never there. Turns out there is a specific little patio, underneath their raised gymnasium, for 1st and 2nd graders. The roof is barely tall enough for the teachers to walk under it so it's a perfect little lair for the little munchkins. Anyways on my way out, three of my students found me and started yelling (as per usual) CHELSEA!! CHELSEA!! LOOK IT'S CHELSEA!! By the time I made it over to the ramp down to the lair, all of the kids rushed me and created a little people wall so I couldn't get any further. They had also managed to tell all of their friends so about 50 different kids were hugging me and pushing the other kids trying to get to me to hug me as well. It's really cute when it happens IN the classroom because usually only 12 kids (maximum) rush me at once. Here I felt absolutely attacked. While the students were hugging me, they all started shoving each other like a mosh pit trying to knock others out of the way to get attention as well. One of the little girls started yelling “TERREMOTO!!! TERREMOTO!!!!” (earthquake). I told her “that's earthquake. Say “earthquake!” so she started screaming “EARTHQUAKE!!! EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!! EARTHQUAAAAAAAAKE!!!”
Meanwhile, sneaky little Diego made it through the crowd and managed to grab me from my right side. Instead of grabbing my arm, which I kindly stretched out for him, he grabbed around it and held my hip as well as my right boob. Firmly. I would also like to add that Diego is the 2nd grader who continually says “hello Chelsea!! Jew are berry beauteeful today!” I used to think it was innocent. I don't anymore. One accidental grab....okay. However for about 30 seconds he continually squeezed and released my chest as if it were a stress ball. Practice that for 30 seconds. CLEARLY it's not an accident. I kept trying to shake him off, but to no avail. He KEPT doing it so I literally tried to shake him off, finally deciding that risking busting him in the face with my elbow and giving him a bloody nose would be worth it to stop him from molesting me. I think the look of sheer panic on my face was really obvious because the students started asking “Chelsea, do you want us to leave you alone?” (in Spanish, of course) and I said “no, it's okay, I just...I need to go home. House!” and did the international symbol for house (hands pointed above your head like a roof. Works every time) and finally they got the message. Eventually I shook Diego loose from his death grip (he didn't let go...instead he said “she wants us to leave her alone!!” to all of the kids while still firmly holding my boob. That's actually false. I wanted you to let go of my chest. And not have ever done it in the first place) All of the kids hugged me one more time before I left and one little girl even kissed me on the cheek. When I got home I found a lovely crusty circle on my cheek from God knows what she was eating for breakfast. I think I'm permanently scarred for life.
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